Conversations With My Daughter ~ by Jay

Was Daddy mad when you got married and didn't change your name?

Nope. He considered changing his, since his last name is so common, but decided to just leave it be.

You could have combined them.

I know, but I don't like the way they sound together. We thought about that when you were born - we thought about giving you my last name, or combining them in some way, but we decided to do what people would expect so that you didn't have to explain it.

I like that my first name comes from Laura's family and my middle name is from your family and my last name is from Daddy's family. Something from everywhere.

Yup.

When I get married, I'm going to change my name. I want to have the same name as my husband.

Well, maybe he'll change his.

Or maybe we'll make up a new one. But I want to feel like part of his family.

Thanksgiving ~ by Jay

I didn't do gratitude posting this year, and I didn't participate in NaBloPoMo. I considered both, but then I blinked and it was November 15th.

I am grateful for those of you who still read the occasional posts I still write, and for the amazing, remarkable gift of being off-call the entire holiday weekend. Whether you're doing the US turkey-day thing or not, I hope this has been a day of peace for you and yours.

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, The Actual Interview ~ by Jay

So I don't read directions all that well, it appears. I was supposed to post MUZIK's answers on MY blog. Duh.  Muzik rose from her sickbed to answer my questions, and here she is. I've really enjoyed getting to know her and I've learned a lot from her, and I hope you will, too.

Jay: In your post to adoptive  parents, you ask us to "be there" in whatever way our kids need us to be. I was wondering about that in light of this  piece from the New York Times last week. Do you think the author should have started a search?

Muzik: I believe that was a great article and a very much needed to be spoke about topic in the adoption triad. I have researched about transracial and international adoption in the past, but never in depth of legality (i.e. Chinese Law). I believe despite the legality behind adoption searches in China, an adoptive parent should do as much  legwork as possible for their adoptive child.

As an adoptee I am willing to believe that 95% of adoptees want to search or know where we come from regardless if we speak of it or not. Many adoptees are afraid to even let the words leave their mouth admitting that they want to search. I do remember the day as a teen I found I was adopted. I had zero desire to search, but that was because I had not fully processed what I was being told, nor did I comprehend what it meant that I actually came from someone else’s womb. As I matured and gained an understanding what it meant to be adopted, I immediately felt compelled to search for the answers and find myself. The urge of wanting to search comes at different points of an adoptees life. It can depend on a current event or depending at the age we find out.

In regards to this article, I believe her adoptive mom should do all that she can to be prepared for the day she may want to search. The day may never come as long as she is under her mom’s roof; however, I believe every adoptive mom should at least at some point sit their child down and explain to their child that they have exhausted every avenue to gain as much information possible. At the end of the day, your child can’t be mad for you doing as much as you could do to help them “in case” they wanted to search. As an adoptee I would applaud my adoptive mom for being as courageous and selfless to delve into a task that can be extremely intricate emotionally and physically. When it comes to adoption searches, time is not on your side. Every year is another year lost, and a possibility that a birth parent or sibling can pass away and no information may ever be recovered. That is worst case scenario, yet the truth.

Jay: Your description of the conference in Seattle was really powerful. It seems to me from what I read that you didn't meet another adoptee until you were in college - is that true? If so, do you think it would have been helpful (in some way) to have other adoptees in your life as a kid?

Muzik: Yes that is true. My freshman year I went to study in Jamaica on a cruise, and I found out my roommate was adopted. Here we were in this little cabin room on the ship almost knee to knee and I wanted to probe her with a million questions as we got to know each other. She was adopted from Guatemala. She was not really interested in speaking about her adoption. All I really cared to ask though was if she met her family and if she has searched. I needed to validate my thoughts and feelings. I left wondering how someone did not want to search for their family. It seemed crazy to me to think how we do not care to know where we came from. As I found out throughout the semester, many of my classmates throughout my college education were adopted and did not care to search. This is where my post Rich Girl Poor Girl was inspired. If I would have met other adoptees growing up I would have felt much better about my self esteem and identity I suppose. While I was at the conference, quite a few of those present grew up knowing adoptees and they thought it was better for them. The ability to relate to someone that is adopted can be so profound believe it or not.

Jay: Do you see a parallel between living as an adoptee and living in another culture, as an American in Japan?

Muzik: I will tell you this, moving to Japan was sort of an enlightenment period for me as an adoptee. It made me think of transracial and international adoptees being raised out of their culture and how confusing it could be in regards to identity and truly understanding where home is. Even though the world is one giant melting pot nowadays there’s no place like home. What happened to me personally when I moved to Japan was remind me that it was okay to be different. Even though I do not have Asian in me to my knowledge, I was still looking to identify with people. My whole life I was trying to fit in with people that looked like me and in the end it created so much turmoil it became rather conflicting as I attempted to find my niche growing up. What I loved about the Japanese culture and people is that people treat you like family regardless of your culture or color. Everyone was so kind to me and was calling me “sister” and telling me they loved me from the very beginning. It was odd but I found it rather accepting for once. 

Jay: I have to admit that when I hear an adopted adult say "oh, I never wanted to find my biological family" or I hear an adoptive parent say "my daughter never asks about her birth mother", I'm a bit dubious. I can't imagine *not* wanting that contact. How does it feel to you when you hear those statements?

Muzik: I love this question because I think about it often. As I mentioned before every one I met in college that was adopted didn’t care to meet their families. I thought they were fooling themselves or too afraid to face reality. I would think to myself, “Come on, how are you going to really tell me you never wondered where you came from or how your parents look like”. The statement from the adoptive parent could be true. Many adoptees are too afraid as it is to even mention the thought of wanting to search for their biological family; therefore they do it behind their back. An adoptive parent can be clueless throughout the whole process of their child living under their roof searching for their biological family. As we know it, it’s one BIG secret. 

Ripples ~ by Jay

My first year in practice, I saw a man who hadn't been to our clinic in over four years. The last visit was well-documented; he'd complained of abdominal pain and the doctor had told him the pain (and associated damage to his stomach) was a result of alcoholic drinking. I could tell from the long, carefully worded note that the diagnosis had not been well-received. Whoops, I thought. This will be fun. Not.

But I tried, even then, to start every visit with an open mind and an open-ended question. I can't remember why he was there that day, but I do remember noticing that he didn't smell of alcohol. His pulse and blood pressure were normal, and I found no signs or symptoms suggesting excess alcohol use. At the end of the visit, I asked "Is there anything else?" and he said "Well, kind of. I have to apologize to a doctor here, but I don't know who".

He then told me the story of that previous visit, four years ago, and he said "I was furious with that doctor, and I said some terrible things. I might have threatened to punch him - I don't really remember. But that was the first time I'd ever heard anyone say 'alcoholic' about me, and I was SURE I wasn't a drunk". He smiled and shook his head. "I was sure, but I tried to quit after that visit and I couldn't. I went to AA for the first time two days later. Now I have three years sober, and I want that doctor to know he saved my life - and that I'm sorry for what I said to him". I promised I would tell the doctor, and he thanked me.

At the end of the day, I called my partner and repeated the story. He was amazed. We've all had that conversation over and over again, and we don't often get to see the results. Those moments of connection are like a pebble thrown into a pond. The ripples travel out, and fade into the distance, but sometimes they hit the shore on the other side, and we don't even know it.

I've always been grateful to that patient. His story has helped me hold onto my faith that change is possible, and that every encounter can be therapeutic in ways I won't always understand at the time. Just as my colleague might never have known that he'd been instrumental in the patient's change, the patient will never know of his impact on me. Just another pebble, tossed into a pond, with ripples spreading into the unseen future.

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project ~ by Jay

I'm honored to participate in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, coordinated and hosted by Heather at Production Not Reproduction. My interview partner is Muzik, who blogs at The Not So Secret Life of an Adoptee - go and read her stuff. She's funny and thoughtful and articulate, and so open and clear that I had trouble coming up with interview questions for her that she hadn't already answered on her blog!


Here's my half of the interview.

Muzik: I must say, I love the "Conversations With My Daughter" posts. How do you think as a mother that seems rather open with your child will benefit your child's future? What do you think happens when parents do not have conversations with their children? 

Jay: I am also the daughter of a mother who spoke openly about sex, so I can tell you how that open-ness benefited me. I grew up thinking of sex as something meaningful, enjoyable and important, but not dirty or shameful. That's what I'm hoping Eve will get from us. I know so many people who had only the basic mechanical "facts of life" talk from their parents, and it seems to me that they are taken by surprise by their own desires, and often ashamed of themselves for simply being human. And then there's the revolutionary idea that sex is something that can - and should! - be discussed. That in and of itself is important - how do you have a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship without talking about it?

It's more than talking to our children; it's also listening to them, and I hope I'm doing that, too.

Muzik: After reading "What is the best age to have a baby", as a mother, do you feel that parents are at fault in teenage pregnancy? What can parents do to educate their child on sex, pregnancy, and STD's?

Jay: I don't think it's always a terrible thing when teenagers have babies. For one thing, there's a huge difference between 18/19 and 14/15, so we can't lump them all together. And no, I don't think parents are at fault, not globally - every family is different and every situation is unique. I do think that when very young teenagers (under 15) are having sex, it's often a reaction to difficult situations at home, but that's not to blame their parents - we all need better support than we usual get from our communities.

That said, I do think we have an impact on our kid's choices - at the very least, we can provide them with access to birth control. When Eve's in high school, I intend to stock the bathroom closet with condoms and tell her I'll check and replace them, and she can tell her friends they're available. When I practiced primary care, I kept condoms in my coat pocket to give to patients.

We can give them information both directly (by talking to them) and indirectly (by having reading material accessible at home and pointing them to reliable Internet resources, like Scarleteen.com). If we're lucky, we can offer them models of loving and respectful relationships in our own lives. We can let them know that we will love and support them no matter what. And we can make sure they have other adults they can talk to when necessary, because no matter how good we are, they will not always be able to come to us. We can remember, always, that it's not about us.

Muzik: After reading In an Adoptee's Words, how do you feel about adoptees searching for their birth parents? How do you feel about adoptive parents objecting to it?

Jay: I'm kind of evangelical about open adoption and searching. I think it's normal and natural and kind of inevitable that adoptees will want to search, and I really hate that searching is necessary at all - you should have that information available to you from the beginning. Your own origins should never, ever be kept from you. Whether or not adoptive families actually pursue a ongoing relationship with their kid's biological relatives (and I think we should, but I know it doesn't always happen), we owe it to our children to make connection possible when the children need it. Not when they ask, because they may not ask - and they certainly won't ask if they think it's going to alienate us.

So I guess that's how I feel about adoptive parents objecting: they shouldn't. If adoptive parents are anxious and afraid, they need to deal with those emotions some other way, and support their kids in the search. Intellectually, I can understand why adoptive parents object. Emotionally, I have trouble accepting that response.

Muzik: Your blog post Conversations With My Daughter remind me of my blog. It's the out loud conversations I love.

Jay: Me, too! That's what I really like about blogging - it's an ongoing conversation, and you meet the best people! Ooops, sorry, that wasn't a question, was it?

Muzik: After reading, Conversations With My Daughter, what do you think is an adoptive mother's biggest fear about their child searching for their biological family? What can an adopted child do to calm the fears of their parents to reassure them that they will never stop loving them?

Jay: I think you answered the question in your follow-up. Adoptive parents are afraid of losing their children - losing their love and losing our standing as their parents. That's the biggest fear - that if our children find their biological families, it will mean we're not "really" their parents, and we'll lose our role in their lives. I think it's an internalized oppression - it means that somewhere deep in our beings we do really believe that parenting is about biology, and that adoption is less than. In order to get past the fear, we have to fully claim our authenticity as real parents.  We also have to give our kids more credit. They can love us all. Love isn't zero-sum. Our hearts are infinitely expandable, and there's room for more than one parent. If a child can love two parents, why not three? Why not four?


There are other real worries as well - it hurts to see our kids grieving. My daughter's biological father isn't open to any kind of contact, and she's deeply sad about that, and I hate seeing her cry. If I could protect her from that grief, I would do it - but stopping her from searching won't protect her. That pain is, unfortunately, part of her life story. My job - since I'm really her mother - is to help her bear it.


Your last question breaks my heart. It's not your job to reassure your parents. That's just not fair. It's our jobs as parents to manage our own fears, so that you can do what you want and need to do and trust that we'll be OK. I know it doesn't always work that way, but that's how it should be. I wish I could take that pain away from you and from parents who have those fears. All you can do as the adoptee is tell them the truth: that you will always love them, that they will always be your parents, that you have room in your heart for everyone - and that your need to search is not a sign that they failed, but a sign that they succeeded in raising a child who knows herself well enough to understand what she needs, and to go out and get it.

Muzik: Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you. Keep the convos up with your daughter. We need more momma's like you!!

Jay: Thank you! You made me think, and I hope you get what you were hoping for from the answers. It's been great to be connected to you this way. 

In Which I Try Really, Really Hard To Be Non-Judgmental ~ by Jay

Babies cry in Target. Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? This hardly ever bothers me. Perhaps at 9:30 or 10:00 PM, I might have to remind my Judgy Brain that people work late shifts and have to shop sometime and don't have child care, but at 11:30 in the morning, I don't even think about it. And people say whatever they have to say to get out of the store without the baby and the grownup melting down simultaneously. I know that.

So I don't judge. I do try to smile at the baby and the grownup. Sometimes a smile and a wave can distract a fretful baby or toddler. At the very least, when I was the mom with the fussy kid, I appreciated the show of sympathy and solidarity.

Today, though, as I smiled, the woman holding the fussy baby glanced at me, looked down at the baby and said, in a sing-song voice  "That lady smiled at you! That lady will take you! She will take you if you don't stop crying!"

The only comfort I can offer myself is that the baby was about six or eight months old and can't possibly understand the words. But I am having a very, very hard time finding empathy for the grownup.