Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, The Actual Interview ~ by Jay

So I don't read directions all that well, it appears. I was supposed to post MUZIK's answers on MY blog. Duh.  Muzik rose from her sickbed to answer my questions, and here she is. I've really enjoyed getting to know her and I've learned a lot from her, and I hope you will, too.

Jay: In your post to adoptive  parents, you ask us to "be there" in whatever way our kids need us to be. I was wondering about that in light of this  piece from the New York Times last week. Do you think the author should have started a search?

Muzik: I believe that was a great article and a very much needed to be spoke about topic in the adoption triad. I have researched about transracial and international adoption in the past, but never in depth of legality (i.e. Chinese Law). I believe despite the legality behind adoption searches in China, an adoptive parent should do as much  legwork as possible for their adoptive child.

As an adoptee I am willing to believe that 95% of adoptees want to search or know where we come from regardless if we speak of it or not. Many adoptees are afraid to even let the words leave their mouth admitting that they want to search. I do remember the day as a teen I found I was adopted. I had zero desire to search, but that was because I had not fully processed what I was being told, nor did I comprehend what it meant that I actually came from someone else’s womb. As I matured and gained an understanding what it meant to be adopted, I immediately felt compelled to search for the answers and find myself. The urge of wanting to search comes at different points of an adoptees life. It can depend on a current event or depending at the age we find out.

In regards to this article, I believe her adoptive mom should do all that she can to be prepared for the day she may want to search. The day may never come as long as she is under her mom’s roof; however, I believe every adoptive mom should at least at some point sit their child down and explain to their child that they have exhausted every avenue to gain as much information possible. At the end of the day, your child can’t be mad for you doing as much as you could do to help them “in case” they wanted to search. As an adoptee I would applaud my adoptive mom for being as courageous and selfless to delve into a task that can be extremely intricate emotionally and physically. When it comes to adoption searches, time is not on your side. Every year is another year lost, and a possibility that a birth parent or sibling can pass away and no information may ever be recovered. That is worst case scenario, yet the truth.

Jay: Your description of the conference in Seattle was really powerful. It seems to me from what I read that you didn't meet another adoptee until you were in college - is that true? If so, do you think it would have been helpful (in some way) to have other adoptees in your life as a kid?

Muzik: Yes that is true. My freshman year I went to study in Jamaica on a cruise, and I found out my roommate was adopted. Here we were in this little cabin room on the ship almost knee to knee and I wanted to probe her with a million questions as we got to know each other. She was adopted from Guatemala. She was not really interested in speaking about her adoption. All I really cared to ask though was if she met her family and if she has searched. I needed to validate my thoughts and feelings. I left wondering how someone did not want to search for their family. It seemed crazy to me to think how we do not care to know where we came from. As I found out throughout the semester, many of my classmates throughout my college education were adopted and did not care to search. This is where my post Rich Girl Poor Girl was inspired. If I would have met other adoptees growing up I would have felt much better about my self esteem and identity I suppose. While I was at the conference, quite a few of those present grew up knowing adoptees and they thought it was better for them. The ability to relate to someone that is adopted can be so profound believe it or not.

Jay: Do you see a parallel between living as an adoptee and living in another culture, as an American in Japan?

Muzik: I will tell you this, moving to Japan was sort of an enlightenment period for me as an adoptee. It made me think of transracial and international adoptees being raised out of their culture and how confusing it could be in regards to identity and truly understanding where home is. Even though the world is one giant melting pot nowadays there’s no place like home. What happened to me personally when I moved to Japan was remind me that it was okay to be different. Even though I do not have Asian in me to my knowledge, I was still looking to identify with people. My whole life I was trying to fit in with people that looked like me and in the end it created so much turmoil it became rather conflicting as I attempted to find my niche growing up. What I loved about the Japanese culture and people is that people treat you like family regardless of your culture or color. Everyone was so kind to me and was calling me “sister” and telling me they loved me from the very beginning. It was odd but I found it rather accepting for once. 

Jay: I have to admit that when I hear an adopted adult say "oh, I never wanted to find my biological family" or I hear an adoptive parent say "my daughter never asks about her birth mother", I'm a bit dubious. I can't imagine *not* wanting that contact. How does it feel to you when you hear those statements?

Muzik: I love this question because I think about it often. As I mentioned before every one I met in college that was adopted didn’t care to meet their families. I thought they were fooling themselves or too afraid to face reality. I would think to myself, “Come on, how are you going to really tell me you never wondered where you came from or how your parents look like”. The statement from the adoptive parent could be true. Many adoptees are too afraid as it is to even mention the thought of wanting to search for their biological family; therefore they do it behind their back. An adoptive parent can be clueless throughout the whole process of their child living under their roof searching for their biological family. As we know it, it’s one BIG secret.