A long-winded way of explaining why I just read a June 30th post at Hoyden About Town. Guest-poster Mindy, a wear-what-works sort of woman, is struggling:
Sounds like me about six years ago. I couldn't change Eve's preference for pink-and-frilly, which has morphed into a very clear personal style: sophisticated, body-conscious, fitted clothing, high heels, peep-toe sandals and makeup. I've set limits on the makeup and heels, and I've relaxed a lot about the clothes. I've realized that there's more to my daughter than her love for fashion.I have a three year old daughter. She loves pink, she loves dresses, she loves shoes. I have no problem with this. I think she is adorable and very much her own bossy little person. I do have a problem with her only saying that she is beautiful when she is wearing a dress or a particular t-shirt with a little frill on the bottom. I do have a problem with her saying that she doesn’t want to eat from the blue “boys” bowl, she wants the pink “girls” bowl. This isn’t coming from me. It’s not coming from her Dad or her big brother. I don’t think it’s necessarily coming from daycare, at least not directly because they are pretty progressive.
More importantly how do I stop it? How do I tell her that she is beautiful whatever she is wearing, or running around in the narky-noo? How do I tell her that colours are for everyone?
Sure, Eve was annoyed when we insisted she wear sneakers to school on a day when she decided to wear a skirt - she refuses to wear sneakers with skirts - but she then changed into a pair of Bermuda shorts and headed off to Field Day, where she got dirty and grass-stained and came home proud that she ran faster than any of the boys. Yes, she badgered me until I finally broke down and bought her a bikini, but she realized that it's not the best choice if she wants to go down the slide at the pool, and she wore her one-piece suit most of last week. We looked at a sundress in Target when we bought her summer clothes, and she shrugged and said "when would I wear it? I can't wear it to camp, where I have to walk around in the woods".
When Eve was small, it seemed to me that everyone who saw her said "She's so beautiful"! No one ever said she was smart, or polite, or strong, or athletic. Sam and I tried not to offer simple praise ("you're smart"), but to comment encouragingly on her process ("you worked hard to figure that out and now you know how to do it!"). But we never said she was pretty. How do you comment on the process of how someone looks? That's one of the things* that bothers me about noticing looks - most of the time there's no way for that to be constructive or encouraging feedback. People are either conventionally attractive, or they're not, and short of plastic surgery there's not changing it. On the other hand, we didn't want Eve to think that everyone else appreciated her looks and her parents didn't.
So now we comment on how she chooses her clothes and how she does her hair, and we try to appreciate the effort she puts in to look appropriate for the occasion. She showers, dresses, and does her hair all on her own; she puts her clothes away and (usually) gives us the outgrown stuff for the giveaway box. I don't care for the sexist messages embedded in most fashion promotion, but I can enjoy the pleasure my daughter takes in her appearance and teach her about those messages at the same time (or at least I can try).
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* among the many other things that bother me about the way in which looks are noticed is the deep sexist divide. Listen the next time you hear an adult approach a toddler, and see if zie ever comments on a boy's looks. I can count on one hand the times I've heard that, and it's always been when the toddler is dressed in a tie or other adorable adult formal wear. And don't even start on the people *cough*my mother*cough* who have called my child "sexy" since she was about two years old.
15 comments:
My daughter went through an I'm a girl and want pink phase at age three, quite blatantly because of starting 3-5 childcare. Now at age 9 she has pretty much her own style, with very little pink in it.
She and both her brothers have heard me say that they're beautiful every day of their life, usually multiple times. I occasionally remind them that every child in their age range is actually beautiful, especially in the eyes of their own parents.
Still, how to offset the crazy messages that she receives from the media/her classmates/etc and especially my mother about looks and clothes being all-important worries me a lot.
PS I don't know what the problem with the bikini is. My daughter (who shows no sign of puberty yet) wears either a bikini, or a one-piece swimsuit, or just the bikini bottom half. None of this choice limits her movements and activity at all.
Sure, boys get attention for their looks—if people think they're girls. "Oh, you have such pretty hair, little girl," they tell Ben.
Estraven, the problem with the bikini was, as I understand it, that when Eve exits the slide and falls into the water, the top rides up and at least once the knot at the neck came undone. Half-naked girls are not acceptable at that pool (and Eve would be mortified pretty much anywhere). I was delighted that she switched suits instead of giving up the slide.
And yes, I think the pink phase was connected to child care. They were pretty good about letting the kids choose their own activities and dress-up gear, regardless of gender, but of course the kids self-policed, and more than once I heard a parent admonish their child for being in the "wrong" clothing or play area. Sigh.
Like Estraven, I tell all my kids, boys and girl, they are beautiful. But I don't use pretty at all. In my mind, pretty refers even more to conventional attractiveness than beautiful. That may just be my bias, but it allows me to call all 3 kids beautiful all the time. Elissa isn't big enough to go through the pink phase - I don't doubt she will.
I also try to divorce those "beautiful" comments from specific clothing. In this respect, I had a head start since my boys have lived mostly in same-ish handmedowns, so there was no real reason to connect clothes and beauty. However, since I really do love dresses, I have had to try a lot harder not to make those connections when she is wearing something which I think is incredibly cute.
Heh, maybe you should try the opposite. My father always tried to put me in those frilly dresses and even makeup, seeing me as his doll to play with (can we say inappropriate???) and I hated it and only wanted jeans and T shirts. I wanted to be a boy...for the privileges that were so obvious even at that age. And I always yelled out the answers in class - because the boys did so with impunity, so why shouldn't I? And I hated the girls who were so useless and looks-obsessed...and when I got in fights with them, they'd cry instead of fighting back, which would only win them more of my contempt.
I think maybe the best counterattack is good female role models - I remember that at the time there weren't many. I loved Princess Leia, but was always sorry that she was on the periphery and didn't get much action. Where was her story? I loved Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz for being brave.
I've been wanting for a couple of years now to write a book that is a collection of female-positive quality pop culture art for girls. Real female heroes. Some of them saved my life, and there should have been so many more.
Try the movies Whale Rider, Fly Away Home. Maybe when she's a little older, my all time favorite, that if I had had her as a hero in high school, I would have saved myself so much grief - Buffy the Vampire Slayer (as silly as it sounds, it is, I think, the first time a female is allowed to unapologetically be the hero of her own story without being a saint, in popular culture.
I hated sports and PE and all that in high school...and I think that the emphasis on girls being not rough kept me from ever enjoying physical activity again until I was almost 30. And then, I realized I wanted my body to be strong and capable and healthy...I wanted to be STRONG...and that was what got me into exercise. I'll never be a great athlete, but I can enjoy my body. I don't care that I've gained 15-20 pounds - I'd rather be solid and womanly and real than the waif I was in high school. I love seeing my rounded thighs and little belly.
Even now, seeing as I am so big on myth and stories, I am using Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica as a role model...admire her deltoids. She makes me want to work out and be strong.
I guess what I'm trying to say is the best defense is a good offense. Better alternatives will be chosen when they are provided. When I was a kid, and even today, I knew I was always hungry for more. I think even now, I still am. All women need to be reminded, unfortunately, that we have the right to be the heroes of our own lives. I still always am thrilled to find a good story about women who know this. Erica Jong's book Fanny, Pam Houston, Mma Ramotswe, Ayaan Hirsi Ali...Tania Aebi's Maiden Voyage (oh, that might be a really good one for Eve now, or in a year or two, it's the autobio of a girl who sailed alone around the world to set a world record when she was 17...a girl comes of age story in a very nontraditional sense), Wicked (probably a little difficult at this age, but also deals with themes of surface beauty vs. integrity - Glinda the Good Witch is only good because everyone thinks she is because she is pretty). All have meant so much to me, stories of women who are at the center of their own stories. They show that it is allowed, desirable, even if no one wants that to be so. As adults, we need them no less than as children.
I wish there had been more of those stories for me. I am in love every time I find another. Who wants to wear pink when you could be saving your people (Whale Rider), sailing around the world (Maiden Voyage), becoming a witch (Fanny), solving mysteries (Precious Ramotswe), boating the Amazon (Pam Houston)...and so many more.
Maybe it's time to read Reviving Ophelia again...
Anyway, good luck. Keep posting about this. It's a fascinating topic.
Great post, Jay. I used to think about this a lot in my nannying days and I'm sure I will a lot more as life comes to revolve around children once more!
It's amazing how often we comment on a little girl's appearance, and how difficult it seems to be to break the habit. I have tried to myself and find "ah, what a cute dress" etc. just slips out so often, it's easier to start making comments on boys' appearances than stop making them on girls'! (Not ideal, but at least more even!)
I don't remember my parents commenting on my appearance much as a child. But to be honest, they probably over-egged the "clever girl" line, because my identity and self-worth revolved in a huge way around being the clever one, top of the class, which maybe is better than if I felt like the pretty girl (like you say, I could work hard at school etc. but my appearance was more beyond my control) but still it felt unbalanced.
It's a difficult one, a question of balance for sure (like eveything of course). The important thing is that you're putting all this thought into it, of course. I'm sure a healthy balance of appreciation for what your daughter is and what she does will result.
My 4.5 year old son gets comments on his looks all the time. He is strikingly conventionally beautiful. Big blue eyes, straight white teeth, tan, lean with defined muscles. My husband and I sometimes wonder how WE produced a child that looks like THAT. He gets called a heartbreakers all the time. I don't really know what to think about it at this point.
I don't know. As the mom of a boy and girl, both strikingly conventionally beautiful, I have gotten comments on both their looks more often than anything else about them.
That's really interesting. I wonder if there's a regional variation, or if the little boys I know are just not as gorgeous as yours!
"Heartbreaker", huh, Rayne? That's a pretty loaded comment. We've been told we need to lock Eve up to keep the boys away, or that Sam should buy a shotgun to protect her. I've also been told she'll break a lot of hearts. I wonder what the kids think about all this.
Yep. I get comments about Firstborn's ALL THE TIME. I have since he was a baby -- and I have gotten the comments from both men and women. Perhaps he is exceptionally beautiful *cough cough* if I do say so myself, but all the mothers at school comment on his looks far more than they comment on his brains. They also comment on his clothes.
I cannot believe that Eve is old enough for makeup. Oh, my, how the years fly.
When Jen was about 3 she had dance classes with all these little girls with frilly ballerina skirts, usually in pink, whose hair was all French-braided. Jen showed up in gray leotard and black tights and would not let me comb her hair before we left for lessons.
Terry would go and take pictures occasionally and now when Jen sees them, she will ask why we didn't do anything about her hair! I just scream. She also notes that in many pictures, while the frilly girls are all at one end of the bar, she's off by herself doing her own thing. That's my daughter.
I cannot wait to see what happens with this new little girl in our family. They all have their own identity.
Delaine, she's *not* old enough for makeup. She wants to wear it, but she's not old enough. I told her when she starts middle school (sixth grade) she can wear makeup, but not before (and I think I'm being pretty liberal at that).
Actually, when my son was little, people frequently commented on how great-looking he was. They often suggested he should be a child model (to which I'd reply, "I've heard that to be successful in modeling, a child has to be able to stand still.") I never minded any of that. But I certainly did mind when my daughter was a preschooler and people would say, right in front of her, "Oh, what a shame your boy got the pretty red hair and your little girl didn't!"
All of which led me to the conclusion that people can be idiots sometimes (I don't exempt myself), and there's not much I can do about it.
Also, btw, this morning at Peet's I told a young mother that her four-month-old boy in a Stanford onesie was "gorgeous." In reality I suppose he was just a perfectly normal, cute baby, but he was darling enough that I needed to use a superlative.
DS looked at himself in the classroom photo at his school, turned to me and said: Mommy, I'm so handsome.
Maybe I should be ambivalent about that, but I'm actually very pleased. I'm pleased he can look at himself and see someone good-looking. In truth, he isn't handsome, but he sees himself in a positive light.
He also tells me that he's smart and he doesn't give up.
His overall self-image is strong. To me, that is the key: Is handsome or pretty part of an overall self-image, or is it all of the self-image..the only attribute upon which the self-image is based.
Anonymous, I think you're absolutely right - it's very different to feel good about your looks as one of many positive things, and to feel that your looks define you or are your only asset. It's my experience that girls and women are more likely to define themselves by their looks. Your son sounds terrific - and I'm sure he's gorgeous :-).
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