Conversations With My Daughter ~ by Jay

Mom, did you hear that Erica ran away?


Yes. I talked to her mother this morning. 

How long was she gone? What happened?


About 12 hours. She met a man on the internet and she agreed to meet him, and she went with him.

That's scary. Why would she do that?

It's really scary. I think she was pretty angry with her parents. She's still angry with them for bringing her home.

Well, everyone gets angry, but getting in a car with a stranger - that's SCARY.

I know.

I would NEVER do that.

I'm glad to hear it.

I would be too scared to run away. I might get angry and tell you I hate you and I don't want to live in your house any more, but I wouldn't run away.

International Women's Day ~ by Jay

Today is International Women's Day. It is also my mother's birthday. I've always found the conjunction amusing.

There's a radio station in Philadelphia that used to have all women DJs on March 8th (maybe they still do). I remember one commenting that it was an interesting choice to have women work more on Their Day, rather than give them the day off. She wasn't really complaining. She knew that we need to hear more women's voices in the public sphere.

My mother married at 19, happily changed her name and loved being The Doctor's Wife almost as much as she loved my father. Theirs was in many ways a traditional marriage, but my mother always had a voice at home - and in public. When I was in high school, the state tried to shut down maternity services at our local hospital. Mom wrote letters, made speeches, and organized a bus trip to Albany - and the OB floor stayed open. Mom made our local chapter of the American Heart Association start programs for women with heart disease 30 years ago, before it was A Cause.

I never wanted my mother's life. I didn't want to be financially depending on someone else. I didn't want to spend my life being Someone's Child, or Someone's Wife, or Someone's Mother. I didn't want to be singlehandedly responsible for the upkeep of the house, the yard, the cars and the checkbook. And I'm not living my mother's life - but I am grateful, finally, for the example of my mother's voice.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You deserve an International Day.

Spread the Word to End the Word ~ by Jay

I'm getting this in just under the wire...

Today is Spread the Word to End the Word Day, developed by the Special Olympics organization to bring attention to the demeaning use of the word "retard" or "retarded". Amy Julia Becker has a lovely piece on her experiences with her daughter, Penny, who has Down syndrome. As I read her essay, I realized I've never used the word. Never? Hmm. So I thought some more....and I remembered Tommy.

Tommy was Annie's brother. Annie was one of my college roommates. Annie was smart, driven, athletic and ready to fight for her place in the world. Tommy was her older brother, and he couldn't really talk very clearly. I don't know what Tommy's diagnosis was; I do know that at 23, he was not capable of living independently, and that part of the reason Annie was so driven was that she knew she'd have to take care of Tommy - at least financially - after her parents died.

Annie was and engineer and a runner and a horseback rider and a musician, and when we were juniors I manged to convince her that she had time to play clarinet for a musical I was stage-managing - The Me Nobody Knows. Somewhere in that play there's a scene set on a playground, with two boys ragging on each other until one calls the other "retarded", and everyone starts to laugh. Annie wasn't laughing. The first time we ran that scene, she got up and walked out because she couldn't hide her tears. It took some doing, but we eventually convinced the director to change the line.

I don't think I used the word much even before that - it's not my style - and I certainly didn't use it after that. I've survived over 30 years without those words in my vocabulary, so it can be done, and it's worth it. For Tommy, wherever he is now. For Penny. For Max. For ourselves.

More Meme ~ by Jay

MomVee did the meme I posted on Monday and I loved her questions so much I decided to answer them.

1) If you could time travel, what would you do?

Go back to high school and really appreciate John. He says I did, but I think he's wrong. I didn't appreciate Sam at first, either, but I've had time to make that up to him.

2) Who is your most surprising friend?

Surprising to whom? None of them are surprising to *me*, because I know them and love them. Probably the most surprising to other people is one of my very first online friends, from the old CompuServe Women's Forum. She's a good bit older than I am, and our backgrounds couldn't be more different, but we are sisters of the spirit and I adore her.

3) What is your lifetime favorite article of clothing?

A blue dress I owned in the mid-80s. Very simple, very comfortable, with a white belt. I just loved that dress.

4) If you had a terrible earworm, what song would you sing to try to get rid of it?

Oseh shalom. I love the message (may the One who created peace bring peace to us and to the people of Israel, and to the entire world) and the tune sinks deep into my soul.

5) Is there a celebrity whose death you would mourn with unusual depth?

Pete Seeger. Few people really live their values the way he does. Plus the music. And if Pete Seeger isn't enough of a celebrity, well, that's a shame.

6) What's the best thing about your home?

The location - close to everything that's important to us, so no punishing commutes. I love my house, but the location gives us time, and that's much more important.

7) What is your most vivid memory about learning to drive?

My shy, soft-spoken, non-confrontational father getting out of the car and berating the man behind me who had been honking and gesticulating at me because I was driving the speed limit on Ridge Street, where people normally zip along 20 or 30 miles above the posted limit.

8) What do you think about ironing?

I actually enjoy it but I hate putting the board up and down, so I never do it.

9) Why did you choose the picture you posted above?

I chose the picture in my original post because I wanted to honor the meme and actually  post something of myself, but I'm still clinging to some psuedonymity. And I love that shot - it shows how truly happy I was on our wedding day.

10) When did you first feel really grown-up?

The day my father called me to ask me for medical information.  

11) Where do you want to travel but fear you never can?

Australia. I just don't know if I could stand the flight or afford to fly first class.

One of Those Things-About-Me Memes, with Something Extra ~ by Jay

I have an unexpected day off and I've been slogging through tax-related and work-related paperwork (this is a Good Thing - I leave for a conference tomorrow and it will be much more fun knowing this crap is taken care of). Just when I wanted a break, here's TMae with a meme! Yay!

Here's the fine print, copied and pasted: Post a picture of yourself, tell us 11 things we might not know about you, then write 11 new questions and tag some friends to play along (let them know you tagged them!)

There's the photo. It's not recent - did you figure that out? And yes, that's the neck of my wedding dress you can see, so that's me 27 years ago.

11 things about me...

1) I really don't like small dogs (cocker spaniels are my lower limit for size).
2) I wish we could have a cat. Or a rabbit.
3) If I could, I'd wear Birkenstocks all the time.
4) I love to be near the water - river, ocean, lake, don't really care as long as it's water.
5) I completely suck at Temple Run.

6) I do every New York Times Crossword Puzzle and can't go on to the next one until I've finished the current one.

7) I love mystery books, and I have to read each series in order.

8) When I'm anxious or stressed, I re-read some my favorite books from childhood, and I've spent a ridiculous amount of money on out-of-print books so I can do that whenever I want.

9) I am a boring restaurant companion, because I want to order the same thing every time once I've found something I really like. Conversation is lively, though, I promise.

10)  I had to stop drinking caffeine a few years ago, and I don't mind decaf coffee but I really really miss Cherry Coke.

11) I might make soft pretzels this afternoon.

TMae's questions (which I didn't look at before doing my list of 11, really. And I'm not so good at following directions, apparently) :

1) Where have you lived in the course of your life?

New York 'burbs, New Jersey, California, Colorado, and here

2) Where would you like to live before you die?

Somewhere on the water.

3) What do you think about before you go to bed at night?

 People I love.

4) Do you have a bike? Do you ride it?

No and no. I'm not proud of that, but it's true.

5) What's your favorite book?

I have no idea how to answer that. It's like trying to pick my favorite person - I could narrow it down but I couldn't pick one. I adore Laurie Colwin's Happy All The Time  but there are so many others.

6) What’s the last great book you read?

I finally read "Middlemarch" for a book group and it was SO much better than I expected it to be.

7) What’s a song that tells your story?

Again with the "pick one". I'd have to say Dar Williams' My Friends, although it doesn't tell the story of my life with Sam. For that I'd choose The Indigo Girls Power of Two.

8) What’s your favorite smell?

Cinnamon. Preferably in something that's baking. Mmm.

9) Would you do things differently if you could go back and have a do-over?

I'd move my body more - find some kind of exercise I really like and stick with it. And I'd eat more vegetables. Other than that...nope.

10) Who would play you in the movie?

Mindy Cohn, Natalie from "Facts of Life". No question.

11) Do you have a favorite cocktail? What is it?

I love a good mojito, but overall I'll take a nice glass of wine if I have a choice.

And my questions, for anyone who would like to answer them (drop me a comment if you do)

1) Sunshine or starlight?
2) Do you have a pet? If not, would you prefer to have one? If so, would you prefer not to have one?
3) What food have you tasted that you will never eat again?
4) What food have you not tried that you'd like to taste?
5) What's the farthest you've ever walked?
6)  What surprises you the most about your life now?
7) What's the best concert or performance you ever attender?
8) How do you feel about speaking in front of groups?
9) How old is the oldest person you ever met? Who was that?
10) Who's your favorite comedian or comic actor?
11) Do you own a functioning record player?


OK, time to get back to work...thank, TMae, for the fun idea.

Things I Could Do Without ~by Jay

Chris Brown's "comeback". His appearance on the Grammy telecast. Eve's ongoing requests to buy his music because "that whole thing with Rihanna is OVER now, Mom".

And this.

Just, no. Not OK.

Something I've Noticed ~ by Jay

When women say "I'm not interested" to men firmly and clearly, they say we're bitchy and obnoxious.

When women ignore requests or decline politely or smile as we say "no", and then have to fend off more requestsw and advances, they say we're sending mixed messages and how were they supposed to know we really weren't interested and we're being bitchy and obnoxious?

Hmm. One might think that, just perhaps, women can't win.